Tonight, I am writing my way through some final essays, personal statements, job applications, etc., and I ran across something I wrote in an essay for my English Senior Seminar class back in February. It's something I keep forgetting to remember.
I think that living through fear is one of the easiest ways we can destroy our creatureliness. God did not create us to be creatures of fear; and so I think part of vocation is dispelling the fear of messing up and simply choosing, trusting that God will find you on the road you are walking.
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I really do believe God can use his servants to do meaningful work in any context, after any choice or blunder or weak-kneed move, but it is good to remember that “Maybe [God] just wants you.”
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Maybe it is because of [our] rude understanding that the only thing that seems really right is to turn everything over. We can theorize and calculate and drive ourselves nearly mad trying to figure out what we should do or trying to get to the depth of a mystery, but in the end, maybe we just have to hold on to the truth of giving ourselves up entirely.
I really believe these things; I just don't feel them today. So I am glad to run into this reminder. And I'm glad for people who remind me. (Thanks, friends.) There is too much to hold in my own hands, and I need you. Also, there is so much I cannot understand, and this is okay, and I need to be better at trusting.
That is all for today. Thanks for reading.
2 comments:
I love it. So true. So telling. If I ever quote this (which I may do), I will credit you for sure. So powerful.
this was intense. a good intense. I read what you wrote again and again....
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