LISTS AND GOLD STARS

I hate lists.

I think this is mainly because I've spent too much time worrying about (or feeling like I should be worrying about) things that aren't in order, crossed off one after another in timely fashion. I don't think we're meant to live by shoulds and have tos.

Sometimes lists pretend to be good; it is such a satisfaction to make a long one and pat myself on the back as I cross off each item—heh, look at me go—and end the day looking at a long list of accomplishments. Sometimes I even award myself gold stars.

There's the day-to-day grocery-run, work out, homework, email, clean stuff, call this person, do that pile of laundry. Or the year-after-year win this leadership position, score that prestigious internship, marry somebody, keep in contact with the right people, build financial security, finally tie-up that project.

None of that stuff is inherently bad. And for you compulsive listmakers, don't get me wrong—it's good to remind ourselves to get off our butts and get moving; I'm certainly not advocating that we abandon studying and cleaning and personal hygiene—I'm just saying....leave room.

Yeah. I think that's what I'm trying to say. Leave room. Be willing to rearrange the list or throw it out altogether. Be freed to give beyond what you think you can or surprised by a provision beyond yourself or delighted by opportunities and relationships beyond your own planning.

Oh—also I think I am trying to say that it's gross that I keep giving myself gold stars for "my" accomplishments...valiant swipes of my pen across finished items. Blech.

Let's be honest; I am a wretch without one plea. I don't own any of my skills or words or thoughts or dollar bills or relationships or plans. In fact, if I did, I would royally screw them up. It's really only by the grace of God that I can do anything that even resembles good. And I don't mean to throw that overused phrase in so lightly—by the grace of God—I really mean that I have been mercifully arrested by the reality of Christ, and it is this mercy and grace that reanoints me as the Lord's, that reassures me of my true self, that strips me of all that I would love to pat myself on the back for, that turns all my strivings over to his glory and his purpose.

There is so much more to be said and wondered about. But it is late, and I am going to bed. I will leave it for another night's meandering.

Thanks for co-musing for now, though.

P.S. Can you tell that I grew up in the CRC and go to Calvin College? Talk about meditation on total depravity. Ha.