SOMETIMES WE JUST SUCK

There are some mornings you just stumble into.

It is not pretty.

These mornings remind me to err on the side of grace when people look like they are stumbling around—because, let's be honest, we've all been there. Sometimes just for a few hours or days, sometimes for months or years. Sometimes we just suck.

Forgive people for sucking. And say something funny or kind, because that helps, and because you'll probably want someone to do that for you someday.

Okay.

LISTS AND GOLD STARS

I hate lists.

I think this is mainly because I've spent too much time worrying about (or feeling like I should be worrying about) things that aren't in order, crossed off one after another in timely fashion. I don't think we're meant to live by shoulds and have tos.

Sometimes lists pretend to be good; it is such a satisfaction to make a long one and pat myself on the back as I cross off each item—heh, look at me go—and end the day looking at a long list of accomplishments. Sometimes I even award myself gold stars.

There's the day-to-day grocery-run, work out, homework, email, clean stuff, call this person, do that pile of laundry. Or the year-after-year win this leadership position, score that prestigious internship, marry somebody, keep in contact with the right people, build financial security, finally tie-up that project.

None of that stuff is inherently bad. And for you compulsive listmakers, don't get me wrong—it's good to remind ourselves to get off our butts and get moving; I'm certainly not advocating that we abandon studying and cleaning and personal hygiene—I'm just saying....leave room.

Yeah. I think that's what I'm trying to say. Leave room. Be willing to rearrange the list or throw it out altogether. Be freed to give beyond what you think you can or surprised by a provision beyond yourself or delighted by opportunities and relationships beyond your own planning.

Oh—also I think I am trying to say that it's gross that I keep giving myself gold stars for "my" accomplishments...valiant swipes of my pen across finished items. Blech.

Let's be honest; I am a wretch without one plea. I don't own any of my skills or words or thoughts or dollar bills or relationships or plans. In fact, if I did, I would royally screw them up. It's really only by the grace of God that I can do anything that even resembles good. And I don't mean to throw that overused phrase in so lightly—by the grace of God—I really mean that I have been mercifully arrested by the reality of Christ, and it is this mercy and grace that reanoints me as the Lord's, that reassures me of my true self, that strips me of all that I would love to pat myself on the back for, that turns all my strivings over to his glory and his purpose.

There is so much more to be said and wondered about. But it is late, and I am going to bed. I will leave it for another night's meandering.

Thanks for co-musing for now, though.

P.S. Can you tell that I grew up in the CRC and go to Calvin College? Talk about meditation on total depravity. Ha.

I SWEAR, I'M STILL KICKIN

Far past time for me to write again...mostly due to all the end-of-semester writing projects in December. Anyway, thanks to any of you who are still checking in.

So a lot of good things have happened in the past little while: I've finished my second to last semester at Calvin, celebrated some birthdays with friends (including my own—hooray for being twenty-two), started a war with winter, joined my housemates in what's-funny-to-put-in-the-microwave experiments, and laughed a lot with my brothers over Christmas break. I've scribbled a bunch of poetry, journal entries, and incomplete thoughts. I've missed Budapest, went to an incredible Trans Siberian Orchestra concert, failed at making warm apple-cabbage salad (delicious when done right, I promise), restarted my coffee addiction.

Man, I love my life.

Now I'm sort of chipping away at the job search—which basically consists of me doing a bunch of research, sending lots of emails, getting excited about all the possibilities, and most of the time, wondering who in his or her right mind would ever hire/pay me for anything. There are some moments where I feel myself winding up a little tighter, ready to spin a bit fast and reckless into that anxious place, and then I remember—oh, good, I'm not actually in control. I just continue to pray that God closes the doors that need to be closed before me, opens the ones that I need to walk through or consider walking through, and shows me the way and the place and the means to dwell among his people next year.

That's all.

So for any of you who wonder or worry about what is coming in this new year (not just college seniors), I urge you—seek out those contexts that God has already prepared in advance for you, that you might be his fleshy dwelling on earth, for all that he has created.